Best Practice: Tools and Tips for Divorced Parents and Divorce ...

? ?Relationships are key to successful negotiations. But when a working relationship is over-burdened by mistrust, the outcome will be frustrating and costly.? Although articles about trust usually describe the mutual biases and tit-for-tat behaviors that build mistrust, a frequent cause is when one party behaves well and the other does not. ?? To avoid setting a bad precedent?I will let you get by with your bad behavior? parents confronted with the other parent?s bad behavior should address the issue politely but directly before it erodes trust further: I?m frustrated that you?ve not followed through on paying these bills. It?s important that we meet our obligations to one another to maintain our working relationship.?

?? But when the other?s behavior continues to be problematic, parents may consider strategic ways to manage the situation. Consider these six strategies:

1.?Use a third party facilitator. In some instances, third party facilitators can hold parents accountable. Remember, however, facilitators can facilitate problem-solving, not enforce compliance.??

? ? 2. Anchor your position to legal precedent: One way to avoid the risk of informal agreements that will likely be ignored is to remain anchored to legal precedent (e.g., divorce decree, family code) rather than negotiating exceptions: Our decree specifies alternating spring break each year with the children. I prefer to do what the decree says rather than divide each spring break in half as you proposed. ? ? ? 3. ?Solve problems before they have to be negotiated.? Well-written parenting plans prescribe solutions before problems occur. For example, a sentence stating at exactly what time exchanges occur avoids having to negotiate who has responsibility for sick children on a school day. ? ? 4. Make contingent concessions. Make concessions that are contingent upon the other parent going first: I like your idea of sharing the cost of summer camp. I will pay for July after you pay for June.

? ? 5. Know your plan B. ?When negotiating with someone who is unreliable, it is important to know what you will do if the other does not live up to their responsibilities. Plan Bs include filing motions with the court or refusing to negotiate any changes in the existing parenting plan. One Plan B is to do nothing, anticipating that the other's unreliable behavior will eventually blow back on them. ?

? ? 6. Create workarounds.? Your ex won't take your daughters to soccer practice? Choose?extracurricular activities that occur exclusively on your time and don?t require the other parent?s cooperation.

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